Something old, something new . . .

Those words evoke memories of weddings and preparations, but this morning they are all about Christmas. I adore spending the quiet moments of weekend mornings sipping my favorite brew and becoming one with the twinkle of holiday lights, colors, and absolute silence - other than my rambling thoughts.

This is the first year since 2005 I have seen my Christmas tree, along with all my other holiday decorations, so it has been extra special spending time gazing at the memories that hang from every branch. My tree is so full of treasures that I have collected over the years, and recalling the happenstance of their origin simply delights me. My tree is, and will likely always be, a combination of old and new, handmade and store bought; but, I love it. (I collect snowmens and eclectic Christmas decorations from the past.) In the early days of Courtney's childhood we didn't have a lot of money to spend on big expensive decorations, but I didn't care. As a new mom I was anxious to start filling our new tree with lots of holiday traditions to match the masterful creation of my mom. From each branch of her tree hung memories of my childhood and from her life. Now I see the beaded/lace ornaments Courtney, her dad, and I made when she was in nursery school and smile a tearful, joyful smile. Some of them are elementary and are simply beads on pipe cleaners without shape or any resemblance to familiar Christmas shapes, but that is just fine by me as they might as well have been sold at Tiffany's to me.

Christmas Traditions . . . We tried to have the Christmas tree up on the evening of Thanksgiving as it was a tradition from my childhood that we have missed out on for so many years. I think we all loved the holidays so much and enjoyed the warmth the Christmas tree lights infused throughout our home that we put it up as soon as possible so as to enjoy it the longest amount of time possible, without seeming a bit on the obsessive side. lol Though we didn't quite have our tree up the eve of Thanksgiving I did put it up that weekend. I conjured a tasty batch of nog (hehehe I get the adult variety now), turned on some Christmas musie, and drug every single box up from the basement all by myself. It was such a fun night of sometimes silliness and sometimes tearful happiness as I pulled my special gems from their nest of tissue paper (remember I haven't seen them in almost five years.)

My baby girl is grown now and Christmas has changed. We used to make decorations together each year to add to our collection or shop for just the right addition. I sometimes become saddened by the passing of this tradition we shared, but realize it is a seed that I planted almost two decades ago that will grow and reseed itself in the years to come. Our tradition will renew itself and continue on in her own family just as it did with mine. I love Christmas.

I will add some pictures of my special ornaments to share them later when I have time to figure out the settings on my new camera to accommodate the lighting.

Awakening

Have you ever experienced a moment of widened clarity where everything around you becomes so acutely crystal clear you can't help take notice?

That is how my everyday used to be. Everywhere I turned I saw things with vivid crisp edge; the hues and volume of color amazed me. I've learned that when I live life in such a way that does not open me to natural power recharging sources that clarity wanes and all but disappears.

For just a moment, standing in the hospital parking lot I saw the color on the trees. When I arrive to work this time of year it is still dark. So I saw the tree through the light of the lamp lights in the parking lot. The trees were so vividly clear I could see the edges of each leaf, the cuts and shadows of the bark. I stopped and just stared at one tree in particular as if it were speaking to me; maybe it was. (I'm thankful traffic made the street too busy to cross, otherwise, I would have looked pretty strange standing in the street looking at a tree.)

It sounds strange, I know, but my thoughts drew back to that brief moment where I silently conversated with a tree. I was a bit anxious as I crossed the street, because I have heard our faculties become much clearer just before we pass into the next realm. lol

I hope it is a sign that I am on my way back to being a fully charged ball of bright light. Home life is coming together, now I just have to work on work life.

And Life Rolls On . . .

Changes . . .
in season are not the only changes happening in our world. C and I are finally turning the last page on the latest chapter in our so called life. We are moving to a little house in a community that lies not far from my work, in a town that will offer us a safe place to reconnect with how life should be lived.

Living in such a bad area for going on five years has opened our eyes to so many of life's circumstances; some good, some not so good. No matter the circumstances and experiences of the last five years we are willing, able and ready to move beyond the life we endured here.

Reflective
Looking back I can’t help but wonder, briefly, where our paths would have lead us by now had I followed a different path. Would I have already moved to Spokane to be with my closest friends by now? Would I have moved back home and reconnected with a lifestyle I left for a reason? I might have found a jumping off place for career a lot sooner and I might have been finished with school by now. I may have met someone who genuinely loves me for me and adore them in return.

Life is a wonderful journey, and I don’t write about what if’s often, because I don’t live them; I never have. ‘What if’ ponderings for me are brief flecks of reflection that I choose to flick away in short order and they dissipate into the universe where they belong. I don’t even ask myself would I have done anything differently, because I am a realist and the facts are that I chose the turns and paths that brought me to this time and place.

Reality
Every decision made brought me to this special place called the here and now. I am a little over a week away from moving into a fabulous home in a great neighborhood of people, some I already know, and a whole lot of people I don’t. I will be able to walk through my neighborhood in the evenings and be safe. I won’t have to blind my windows from the outside world because the neighbors all watch and take care of each other. It will take time, no doubt, to trust in a safe environment again. I was concerned about the kitchen door having a plate glass window without a deadbolt (still am really) and the lady who rented the place to me laughed and explained that she could understand how I would be so concerned coming from the neighborhood I am. She said I am moving into a neighborhood where no crime exists. I agree the place I am moving is different, but I will never see the world through the same lenses she does, no matter how long I live in a ‘safe’ neighborhood; the days of unlocked doors, and unprotected dwellings are long gone as far as I believe, and that’s okay.

I can ride my bicycle to work on good weather days and hop the bus for a quick trip on the bad. Heck, once I drop some of the pounds and build my leg muscles up again I will be able to walk to work if I choose. I can begin living green and reconnecting with Mother Earth and Father Sun.
I dream of cozy winter evenings with nice music playing, candles twinkling, glass… or two of a nice warming wine, studying, reading, scrapbooking, cooking fabulous impromptu dinners for friends, taking long soaking baths in my great big old fashioned tub, beautiful winter mornings curled up on my new sofa by the window with a hot cup of coffee watching the birds flitter and vie for the new seed I put out for them. Summers will be filled with banks filled with lavender, emerald green grass, and the wonderful PNW cross breeze through the house. I can garden again if I want, and have a real kitchen to cook and store food. I will have backyard bbq’s and swing in my yard swing, or walk into the wonderful eclectic little town and enjoy waterfront walks or shopping n some of my favorite shops. I will know people again and they will know me. J

Nervous
I have not taken on the responsibility for full rent/full utilities since I owned my own home in Georgia. Have I made note of all my expenses, or did I miss one that will pop out of the dark at an inopportune moment and present a financial challenge that will deplete the joy I nurture in my life? Am I counting on this house too much? Will my anxious anticipation burn the house down before I can get there? Will the owner call me up and crush my dreams?

Hopeful
I can recapture and reconnect with the best part of life, and me.

Excited
Only nine more days to go before life begins again.

Just Me . . .

The finished product... Not the greatest of pictures, but

it shows the do, and the bloodshot eyes. lol

Thank the Goddess It's Saturday

It's a gorgeous day today - probably the last of the season. It is supposed to reach 87 degrees today.

This week was packed full of all sorts of items to note. I began a new class which is totally me; Critical Thinking in Management - Love It! I have a great question: What is Thinking? Try to define that one.... lol What a great mystery, aye?

My work week was one of those where I just sat hung on and experienced the ride. Union negotiations are terribly stressful for all involved, and I'm glad I'm just holding down the fort, for now. The big whigs from our corporate office were here, and will be here again next week. Everyone is hopping with last minute preparations and yep... I'm glad I'm 'just' holding down the fort. The good news is that my boss was very kind and let me leave early yesterday. The not so good... I was sick so couldn't truly enjoy the free time. I came home and fell into bed as soon as I could swallow an Alka Seltzer Cold. Yuck! I just hate being sick. Luckily it's not something I have to worry with but twice a year, maybe. I'd love to be out on my bike zooming this weekend, but my head is too stuffed up and I don't like driving on two wheels when I'm not fully clear minded.

On a not so professional front friends are finding mates and building new relationships. I am so happy for them, because they both have been searching. Times like these, though, I have to continually remind myself to focus on what needs to be accomplished before my heart begins it's silent whining. The very last thing I need in my life right now is someone new looking to have 'his' needs met. Remind me to stay focused... okay?

Doctor says they have no idea why my hands (and sometimes my feet) experience these little red, raised, welts. They have run labs but have come up with nothing. I've just decided this a.m. to detox my blood and start an Organic regime. I am even going to cut out caffeine (after this bag of beans has been depleted.) I won't waste great beans for the idea because the last time I did something like this I wound up turning back. Nope, my passing fancies aren't worth wasting good beans.

I've dropped five pounds, but consider that nothing really as I haven't really been focused on dieting. I have a ton of excuses, but the one that stands out most this week is I'm working 11 and 12 hour days through the negotiations, and add the two and a half hours I put into school work every evening... I'm just exausted and the last thing I can think of is being a gerbil (walking the treadmill as they run their wire wheels.) It's okay... don't worry AND don't say, "See... I knew you weren't serious." Pfft! Just don't... My plan is still in tact, and I will jump right back onto my jerbil wheel in a couple weeks.

I bought stuff to decorate the cork boards at work and it hit me that it was the season to begin preparing for dormancy. Summer slipped me right on by this year. Work sucks. lol

I'm off to have my hair colored and cut. I'm going back to my natural chestnut coloring, and this style. I am not ready for short hair... I'll go short when I get old - I'm not there yet. The first style is how it will look when I am working, the second, how I'll fab it up if I'm ever invited to go somewhere. As if... oh, wait... "As if" will be tomorrow's entry.

Okay kiddies, I'm off to keep my appointment. I pray Hair Master Mark doesn't mind my stuffy head and puffy eyes.

The Week in Retro . . .

I woke up at 02:00 this morning, but at 05:25 I still feel well enough to write a bit.

My work week began on Tuesday as I took Monday off to run a few errands. Monday evening I received a call from a coworker and she explained that my boss had experienced a crazy morning in the office and her lack of ability to work that office on her own caught the attention of one of her bosses. My coworker shared that my boss told her boss that I had taken the day off without permission and without calling to let her know I would not be in the office.

This is not the first time she has offered me up in sacrifice to the Administrators to save her own face. Yet, Tuesday morning she arrived and explained something entirely different. This is how my week began. I cannot wait until the job market opens back up. I love the staff and the administrators and even the corporate folks I have met, and see there so much promise for me there... but I can't swing this much longer. I miss leaving work feeling accomplished, needed, and most of all appreciated.

So, after all that I feel as though I am truly chained to the office and do not have the ability to take the paid time off that I have earned twice over. We are in the middle of labor union negotiations and a Joint Commission inspection along with the implementation of our online classroom to our new HRIS system. Okay, I'm beginning to feel the results of waking up at 2am.

School went well this week after turning in our class paper for grading. We received a perfect score!

Our corporate attorney, after hearing me work with people coming into the office one afternoon, took advantage of a quiet moment in the office to ask me if I had ever considered law as a profession. I was quite flattered and still am, but I it will have taken me 10 years to achieve my Bachelor's, if I were to spend another ten in Law School I would be 55... An attorney just starting up practice at 55 doesn't sound prosperous. Maybe I will consider Law in my second life. :)

As far as my diet and rediscovery. I have discovered quite a few things this week, but I have been focused more on comforting my wounds and keeping my sanity. I haven't lost any weight. I know I will be dragging by this afternoon as well, so do not plan on making any strides to make it to the gym. Tomorrow maybe... I am anticipating my annual doctor's appointment on Monday. I try not to dread it, but I can't help but be anxious. After having my head cut open I am always in wonder of every ailment.

Speaking of ailments. My hands are suffering from a weird rash that has no risen twice. The first time around they were tiny and the size of a ball on a pen. This time they are anywhere from the size of a dime to a quarter in diameter. It's kind of odd and even have couple of welts on the palms of my hands and the sides of my feet. I wonder if it has anything to do with taking a steroid for my Asthma? Hmmmmmm

Too bad it isn't Saturday; I could go for a nap. :)

Day 5, only 360 to go....

I have finally slept for three full nights now. I feel more in charge of life again, however, work is still stressful, and school still gnaws at my anxiety trip needle. It has been so nice here at home since the neighbors have cooled their jets. They suffered an 'accidental' shooting of one of their tribe. I know... I live in such an inspiring 'hood. I often sit and consider my surroundings and ask myself, "How did I get here from there?" My raising was soooo far from the likes of this place and these people. I keep wondering what I was supposed to take from the experience of living in such a place. I will discuss that on another philosophical post on a day when I'm feeling it... today I have too much on my plate and that tends to keep me in the hear and now.

So the nights are quieter and cooler and that makes it easier to be at home and for it to feel remotely my solace, if this place can be considered such a place. I noticed the start of the week school doesn't keep my attention any longer, and that's a bad sign in itself. I 'love' school. I love learning so much I crave education and will probably be a life long formal education junkie of some kind. University of Phoenix, however, is not the best school for me. Before I knock the 'team' learning environment let me explain that I am a team player, but with all the other facets of my life being off kilter at this moment, adding the pressure of pulling people through their education so I am able to obtain a decent grade is just too much. I've narrowed my choices of transfer down to two... Kaplan and Capella. Kaplan is about 100.00 more per class, but they include books into the cost. I will be sent text books every single term!!! Instead of the five week course system I'll be on ten which will give me an extended amount of time to study and read. I'll have two courses at a time, but will complete them in the same amount of time as with UoP so I shouldn't prolong my graduation much at all. It will be worth it in the long run.

Little by little I 'am' taking my life back, and will bounce back from this deadly concoction of stress, nerves, hormonal imbalance, caustic environments and too many dreams trying to come true at one time. :)

This week I am the team leader in my class at UoP so I'm a bit under the gun. I will be of much better mind after I turn in all my assignments tonight and can start the week off more relaxed and with a feeling of accomplishment. I haven't lost one ounce of weight since Wednesday, but that's okay too. It usually takes my mind a little time to get a few things in my life straight before I can clearly focus on a new task. I am working on a new place to live and that will eliminate the stress of worrying when a bullet will penetrate the walls of our kingdom (ha), no amount of savings on rent is worth this stress. Besides, this place is toxic in other ways and just isn't good for us. I worked very late Friday night to finally bring my desk current, or near to. This little extra time will enable me to work a regular work day 'with breaks and a lunch'. I hope for better leadership and a change in my direct working environment soon. I miss having fun doing my work; I want that back.

All these things will take just a bit of time to work out, but after I have change set in motion, nothing stops me. I'm like a dog with a bone.

I picked up a few books at Costco yesterday. One was the third book from Jillian Michael's; a.k.a. the woman you love to hate if you are a fatty. lol I like her. Her first book is what pumped my spirit and internal drive to lose the weight last year and had me walking into a public gym for the first time in my life. The second book was for folks who couldn't lose that last fifteen pounds. It was a die-hard regimine that pounded the body into shape and was a little much for me. The book isn't me for two reasons; I never made it to 'the last fifteen pounds', and no part of my personal journey has included being a gym bunny. I hate it. I will never enjoy working out enough to spend 8-15 hours in the gym per week. Thirty to forty-five minutes 3 or 4 times a week is about all anyone is ever going to get from me. I know I'm going to like her third book because it is all about hormones and how they are our metabolism. I didn't have to read beyond the second page to know this book was a good one. I'll write a review and thoughts about the read in my reading blog.

According to the calendar I have 358 days to go. Today I have the energy to face these small challenges that will eventually lead to simplification of my life. I am very excited and looking forward to the change because I am tired of feeling my heart working harder even when I'm lying still. I'm tired of rising from my desk and feeling like an old lady because my joints are stiff and aching. I'm tired of waking up tired and dreading the day. I'm tired of looking at me and not recognizing the person in the reflection.

I am looking forward to taking my life back and living the life I know I'm meant to live!!!!

Day 2

02:11 - 8/20/09

The police just left. Once again just after the hour of 01:00 the neighborhood banshee unleashed her terror upon the world... my world... Once again I lie awake, waiting for the next ride to dream land. I am so tired. I did not fall asleep at work yesterday, but that only because I am so busy I don't have time to fall asleep. I almost had to pull off to the side of the interstate on the way home because I'm so sleep depraived that my stomach is nautious. This is part of my issue with the state my physical life has become. Living on exhaustion because I can't get one night's sleep is killing me.

They actually picked her up and took her in this time; thank the Goddess! Every night she gets drunk (and stoned on some kind of drug.) Once she has had her fill she begins screaming and fighting with anyone and everyone, even people that aren't there. Tonight she involved her poor children who were sleeping soundly inside. That's where my social acceptance of such behavior ends. I cannot abide child neglect or abuse of any kind. The entire lot of them live on welfare and it is beyond my intelligence as to how they all smoke, drink themselves silly, and stay stoned on drugs 24/7.

Living in this miserable place has given me a close up view of how our social networks, designed to help the poor and indigent survive, have become a complicated web of misuse and abuse. It literally tears me up inside to see grown adults, who have learned how to bilk the system, rob our communities of resources that could be put to use doing any number of things to build a better future for its inhabitants.

Just want to get sleepy again.

18:50

Today was not one of my best days. I guess three nights of less than four hours sleep has taken its toll. I fell off the wagon and ate comfort food. I don't feel too guilty because I have been down this road before. I will just keep looking forward and hope for better times next week.

Day #1... only 364 to go.

The day began at 01:30 when our neighbor's extra loud mouth piped up through a gabbing session just outside my bedroom window. I tossed and turned, and finally made myself get up, then went back to bed and rolled around some more before giving in around 05:00 when I just got up and went on into work.

Needless to say I did not make it to the gym tonight. I am so exhausted it feels more like I am numb. I am going to keep this message short and to the point so I am able to take out the toothpicks that are holding my eyes open.

My boss and the corporate attorney were out of the office all day today for union negotiations which left me in the office by myself. It would have been perfect had it been a quiet day, but do you think the Fates are going to allow tranquility? Actually it made the day pass faster. By the end of the day the only thing I needed to focus on was making it home over a 23 mile trip home without falling asleep. I made it to Courtney's work where I pulled my Harley hoodie over my head and crashed.

I didn't make it beyond Starbuck's, but did not figure anyone would punish me for caffeine today of all days. I was good and left the bacon sandwich and/or Greek yogurt with them. I spot checked a tiny little tray of one boiled egg, three wedges of apple, and a couple other things. I can't believe what people will dish out five bucks on these days. It was basically a boiled egg and a third of an apple. Not this frugal gal.

The rest of my day was boring, but held no great challenge for me.

It was 89 degrees Fah. this afternoon, and felt like silk on my skin; neither too hot or too cold.

I ate a couple slices of turkey and a piece of cheese for lunch, oh and a few pieces of broccoli and carrots snagged from the salad bar.

I'll close for now and hope for a better day tomorrow. I am considering riding the bike in to work tomorrow. That always cheers me up.

Full Disclosure . . .

Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. Today... is the last day I will suffer this misery. My girlfriend rang me up and told me to get my bum over to her department by 4 pm today, because we were going to disclose. Curious...

She has watched me as I tread through the muck of work, class, and no life, while slipping backwards into the land of fatties. I whined all through the winter months of rain, rain, and more rain, then become dormant when the sun finally came through. I lost so much weight last summer and had so much hope that I would finally break through the curse, but alas, I failed again. I have been here so many times I cannot even feel the disappointment and disgust anymore, which makes it worse. I dropped down to a loose size 18 and came so close to breaking through 220, but after the start of the year I began the final stretch of my collegial trek (only a year to go) and lost all interest in going to the gym. (I had been going five days a week after work.) My work exhausts me, and traveled for business for a month this summer, so my leftover time for keeping fit plummeted. Add to that my dour energy level and lack of time made it easier to slip into bad eating habits once again. No matter how you look at it no exercise and bad eating habits equals FAT!

My weight has climbed higher than it ever has before, not by far, but definitely highest. Last spring I reached 265, but today I weighed in at 270 pounds of absolute and utter grotesque. What was I thinking? I tell you what I have been thinking... "I'll start back to the gym next week, no lie. I promise." "I won't drink Starbuck's more than once this week. I promise." "No, no, no... No, I promise, no Jamba Juice on the way home to 'cool down'." "I just washed my pants on the wrong temperature setting. They will be okay after I wear them a little while."

I have been so lost in space this year. I know I don't have much of a life at the moment, and so many friends think it's because I'm rebounding from love gone wrong, but it is mostly because I have let myself go to pot. I began this journal the first of the year in hopes that I would find the old me that I adored. I have signed on so many times and begin writing but wind up saving it to drafts. There just isn't anything in me anymore. Well, that's not true at all. The gorgeous, loveable, spiritual goddess is inside me I have just buried her in YUCK! No more...

Tomorrow marks Day #1 of the rest of my life. Tonight I am spending in reflective mode for the last few moments before I set my sights forward. Tonight I kiss the sorrows I have encountered over the last year to the wind.

Tomorrow... I begin 365 days of renewal. 365 days of hard work, digging deep, tireless focus, self loving, forward thinking, joyous unveiling. I want to find meeeeeeeee!!!!

Ghosts

Do you believe? I do . . .

I see them all the time, but they don’t scare me anymore. I usually prefer to call them Spirits, but it doesn’t matter what you label them, they are dead to the living; well, to most they are dead.

My paternal grandmother died when I was very young. I must have been the age of ten, or eleven; I can’t remember. She and I had a special connection that I thought, at the time, to be no different than the one she shared with all her grandchildren, and children for that matter. Later in my life, probably ten to twelve years later, I asked my closest cousin if she ever saw ‘Granny’. She laughed at my inquiry, and replied, “I think of her often, what are you talking about, Ghosts?” Of course I traded laughter for my seriousness, and we moved onto something new. I asked my mom, in a much less forward question, and she said she just thinks of her often, especially when cleaning her kitchen sink, or something like that (My Gran fussed over the cleanliness of her kitchen, especially her sink. )

She used to come to me all the time. I have often wondered why she didn’t appear to me until sometime after I graduated high school, but looking back I wonder if it had something to do with my readiness for such an occasion. Her death brought my heart immeasurable sadness, and I’m not sure I would have been as open to receiving her any earlier.

You’re thinking I’ve gone mad, aren’t you? I am quite attuned to the pendulum swing, and share my time equally between my dark, and light, side. If my darker posts upset you please exercise your choice to change the channel. I promise I won't be offended.

Gran used to visit during times of trial, but never interfered with the choices I made, or my faith with regard to the spiritual path I chose. She also visited on moments of great happiness, and celebration, such as the night Courtney was born. I know that when most of my memories fade there will be one that will remain forever clear as though it occurred only a few moments ago. Gran appeared to me the first night of motherhood and she cradled Courtney’s face in her hand, and tickled her feet, and yes… Courtney responded.

During the great changes of my woman’s life Gran was always there. When we left home, there were times I could feel her presence sitting the middle of the bench seat cheering me on. I never wondered how our relationship would have evolved, because she never left me. Until…

I thought at first it was my imagination, but it didn’t take long to realize that she’d just disappeared. Her disappearance coincided with the timeliness of my meeting my ex; Dan. At first, while we were dating she would still appear, though in brief flickering moments, but the closer he and I became, the less she appeared. I hoped it was because she gave me space, but now I have to wonder if she disapproved. Maybe she decided not to fight time with darkness.

After Courtney and I moved south and in with Dan, I looked for her, often. I made vigilant visits to a favored spot in a park near the Puget Sound hoping she would visit and brighten my existence with her glowing spirit, but she never came. I often wondered if my latest life choices had disappointed her in such a way that she couldn't bare to be a part of my life; her disappearance came about practically overnight after we moved.

He often joked, in the early days, that he was the devil himself. I guess if I made the decision to dance with the devil he’d won out and she wouldn’t fight my decision; she never has. What an awful thought, yes?

Earlier in the week I experienced ghosts of another kind. The ones that aren’t so kindly thought of, and in this case rebuked; the ghosts people experience when they have suffered loss of limb. While reading in bed Monday I felt the weight of his leg as it draped over me (we used to read in bed often and he’d wrap his leg around me and pull me into him.) Tuesday morning I felt his weight next to me in bed, and while cooking dinner one night I felt the sensation that used to wash over me when he’d walk up behind me and wrap his arms around my waste and nuzzle a kiss into the round of my neck.

After I kicked Dan to the curb, in October, I never experienced any notions of sadness or felt any great loss. I still haven’t cried, nor have I felt any pangs of regret. I wonder if these new arrival experiences are rising to the surface, now, because I’ve finally forged my way through the vortex of chaos that accompanied the abrupt change in my sojourns direction. I pray not… He is the last person that has earned the privilege of my time, especially my emotional time.

It's a perfect morning for writing. The darkness has reclaimed the Puget Sound region for today, though the sun hasn't risen to show evidence I can hear the spitter, spat, of the rain on the windows. It's going to be a great day, I just hope I have enough candles to last through this desire to write.

I hope my Gran reappears at some point in my life. However, I have considered that she may have simply moved on to a different realm to continue her ascent… Maybe her disappearance had nothing at all to do with the decisions I made for my life….

Maybe.

The Many Blessings of Gratitude

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that

the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."

– John F. Kennedy

I had much better intentions of keeping up with writing, but it has been a crazy start to what I know will be a great new year.

I have so much to be thankful for this morning, and my heart is just overwhelmed. When 2008 ended I knew there must be better days ahead. However, and even with all the hopeful forethought, January proved to be quite the challenge. December was supposed to be the month I would secure permanent employment, but it was postponed until January. The turn of the new year I learned, from a co-worker and friend, that I had been contracted under false pretense; that my position was never a permanent position, and I should expect to have my contract to end within the month. It was only by a miracle of consequence that I received an offer of permanent placement at all. I am so thankful.

Now, I've begun researching online universities and hope to return to reach the goal of achieving my BS in HR. I realize I could make that dream come true easier if I were home with my pops, and that is still an option; for this peace of mind, I am grateful. Speaking of parents... mine are wonderful. Somehow they take care of me from over 3000 miles away as if I were right there, at home, with them. I hope I can be half as much to my babygirl as they have been for me. I am blessed to have such wonderful parents, and I'm grateful.

Earlier in the week I learned of horrible fires that swept through a territory nearby to one of my dearest, and most treasured, friends. I am not a television watcher, and have been so pre-occupied with work stresses I haven't kept up with the news. My heart sank when I read her note that her family was okay. I read her heart cry for the areas ravaged were those she called home; her solace. I thought of my own home, and how I would feel to experience the same sort of loss; my heart felt such a dreadful void. I am so incredibly thankful that she and her family are safe and (as morose as it sounds) that they have the opportunity to 'feel' their loss as it means they live.

I am grateful for the clear thought that has helped see me through escape from a relationship that was build on a foundation of everything wrong for me; even more thankful, still, to have someone who loves me enough to of stood by me (though it hurt her deeply to bear witness) and loved me unconditionally... my beautiful daughter, Courtney. I love you, dearly.

I am grateful for clear skies, and dry roadways. (This may sound overboard to most, but if you haven't lived in England or the Pacific Northwest region of the North American continent, you may not understand the depth of my gratitude. We are accustomed to grey days, and most often rainy ones, from October through March.) We have enjoyed a pretty good week, with only a dusting of snow earlier in the week. Blessed we have been. :)

Grateful, I am, for the breath I've been blessed with this morning, for I have another chance to do something meaningful with my life today.

I'm hoping that I will soon find my creative, carefree, playfulness, and contemplative philosophical spirit, and soon as I miss this part of who I am. My spirit, though damaged, is still with me; just a little bruised and in need of recharging TLC. I know I will soon emerge from this cave to which I sought the quiet time for comfort and healing, with a new lease, a whole spirit, wearing a purple iridescent lame' jumpsuit (Vivien Westwood, of course;), my goggles and scarf flying in the wind... ready to take on another of life's adventures once again.

I sit here with my arms, and heart, wide open to those whom have loved me, continue to support me, and never left my side. I love you all.

I am so inexplicably grateful.

New Year; New Start; New Me

I am a free-spirited woman with roots that grow deeply into the red clay soil of Georgia. I love my home, but it was over a decade ago that I decided the life I was living wasn't the one I was meant to lead, and proceeded with changing the course of my sojourn. My dad blames my first computer (he purchased for me Christmas 1997) for opening my mind, heart, and adventurous spirit to the world . My husband, at that time, had shown he wasn't the partner he defined himself to be, so with the extra time on my hands discovered that I could chat with people all around the world. It blew my mind that I could literally share my life with so many, and vice-versa. I wound up visiting a friend in the UK one summer and that was 'all she wrote'. That experience began the development of who I've become... a bohemian spirited, eclectively motivated, vivacious, fearless, open-minded, spiritual, sojourner... During my stay in England I crossed paths with my closest friend and confidant... my sister spirit, Sharon. I don't want to cry this morning, so I won't be able to write much about her right now, but she has redefined the meaning of friendship for me. The unusual facet of our relationship is that over the decade that we've known one another we have never met face to face. You see... Sharon lives in the land down under; Australia. Okay, dang... the faucet just turned on for thinking of the many ways my life has been blessed just by knowing her. (Big stuff for not too many things in life move me to such emotion these days.) I love you my friend, my sister, my muse, and inspiration to keep on keepin' on.

My daughter and I set our course to discover the great western frontier of our beautiful country in the autumn of 1999. We drove through a few new states on our adventure westward: Western Tennessee, Kentucky, Missouri, and a windy Kansas. Our destination... Denver, Colorado. We actually took up residence in a suburb west of Denver: Lakewood, Colorado. We lived there for fifteen great months before I transferred, with my employer, to the fascinating pacific northwest region; Seattle, Washington in December 2000.

While living in Denver met some great friends (Jilly, Tiffy, Schelli, Dan, Barb, Dave the Beermon, and Ryan!) Living in Colorado enabled us to see so much of the great west via many road trips. During C's Spring Break, and school holidays we set off on many adventures in search of the elusive tumbleweed. We visited Wyoming, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana, Utah, New Mexico, and Arizona. We departed Colorado on December 13, 2000 and landed in Mill Creek, Washington on December 17th. We traveled four states of solid packed snow covered roads. We experienced our first 'white out' (thanks for the warning Ryan! Not.. lol), and learned how to conquer a fear of driving through mountain passes on icey roads; to perservere and land safely to our destination... the Puget Sound region of Washington.

We lived in Mill Creek, Washington until December 2005. I began college while Courtney trudged through middle school and began high school. Through my associations with work and school we met so many cool new friends that have made such wonderful impressions in our life's journey (Andi, Mary, Ryan, Matt, Barry and Ashley, Courtney, Kim just to name a few.) We moved south to Lakewood, Washington (two Lakewood's in one lifetime.. curious) in December 2005 and here we still remain.

With that little bit of history spoken, I'll move on to the good stuff... the new stuff... with sheer glee.

The new year has begun, and so do the continued efforts toward my personal 'do over'. I've already begun the process back in October with a major decision to kick his arse to the curb. lol There comes a point in a one-sided relationship where enough... is quite enough, and that point found me quite suddenly. I won't type out the ugly, nasty, details here, but suffice it to say I have enough evidence to sway any judge/jury in any land to understand my plight, thus my decision to 'let her have the jackass'.

I have decided there is no more time to pussyfoot around or procrastinate with regards to my future success. I put college off the first time around for a man and a marriage and have a lovely daughter; my best friend to show for it. The second time around left me with nothing more than battle wounds. The clarity of vision hit me like a sledge hammer upon the nose. Wow!!!

The end of 2008 I found a wonderful working relationship with the hospital to which I work, and that relationship will help see me complete one of my personal missions... actually, two; financial rebuild, and college degree. Both of which are absolutely critical to secure a happily employed future.

On top of those two huge goals I will continue moving forward with the escavation of Simple Lisa... Over the last three years I invested into a relationship that was meant (by someone else) to change me into something preferred rather than accepting and loving me for me. As a result, I lost touch with my center and fell spiraling through a vortex of crazy, absolute, chaos.
This year will no doubt be challenging in many different arenas. I vowed to my mother (speaking it sealed it an expectation spoken) there would be no building of relationships that can be classified more than friendship. I am feeling a little nervous about all this change, but confident in my abilities to achieve whatever I set my mind, heart, spirit, and soul to accomplish.
I am also reconnecting with family and friends back home in Georgia and on the east coast. I can feel the path of my sojourn making a drastic U-turn. I miss home...

With that said... I'm off to get some organizing started, and maybe even a nice workout. Until next time...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!