Full Disclosure . . .

Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. Today... is the last day I will suffer this misery. My girlfriend rang me up and told me to get my bum over to her department by 4 pm today, because we were going to disclose. Curious...

She has watched me as I tread through the muck of work, class, and no life, while slipping backwards into the land of fatties. I whined all through the winter months of rain, rain, and more rain, then become dormant when the sun finally came through. I lost so much weight last summer and had so much hope that I would finally break through the curse, but alas, I failed again. I have been here so many times I cannot even feel the disappointment and disgust anymore, which makes it worse. I dropped down to a loose size 18 and came so close to breaking through 220, but after the start of the year I began the final stretch of my collegial trek (only a year to go) and lost all interest in going to the gym. (I had been going five days a week after work.) My work exhausts me, and traveled for business for a month this summer, so my leftover time for keeping fit plummeted. Add to that my dour energy level and lack of time made it easier to slip into bad eating habits once again. No matter how you look at it no exercise and bad eating habits equals FAT!

My weight has climbed higher than it ever has before, not by far, but definitely highest. Last spring I reached 265, but today I weighed in at 270 pounds of absolute and utter grotesque. What was I thinking? I tell you what I have been thinking... "I'll start back to the gym next week, no lie. I promise." "I won't drink Starbuck's more than once this week. I promise." "No, no, no... No, I promise, no Jamba Juice on the way home to 'cool down'." "I just washed my pants on the wrong temperature setting. They will be okay after I wear them a little while."

I have been so lost in space this year. I know I don't have much of a life at the moment, and so many friends think it's because I'm rebounding from love gone wrong, but it is mostly because I have let myself go to pot. I began this journal the first of the year in hopes that I would find the old me that I adored. I have signed on so many times and begin writing but wind up saving it to drafts. There just isn't anything in me anymore. Well, that's not true at all. The gorgeous, loveable, spiritual goddess is inside me I have just buried her in YUCK! No more...

Tomorrow marks Day #1 of the rest of my life. Tonight I am spending in reflective mode for the last few moments before I set my sights forward. Tonight I kiss the sorrows I have encountered over the last year to the wind.

Tomorrow... I begin 365 days of renewal. 365 days of hard work, digging deep, tireless focus, self loving, forward thinking, joyous unveiling. I want to find meeeeeeeee!!!!