Just Me . . .

The finished product... Not the greatest of pictures, but

it shows the do, and the bloodshot eyes. lol

Thank the Goddess It's Saturday

It's a gorgeous day today - probably the last of the season. It is supposed to reach 87 degrees today.

This week was packed full of all sorts of items to note. I began a new class which is totally me; Critical Thinking in Management - Love It! I have a great question: What is Thinking? Try to define that one.... lol What a great mystery, aye?

My work week was one of those where I just sat hung on and experienced the ride. Union negotiations are terribly stressful for all involved, and I'm glad I'm just holding down the fort, for now. The big whigs from our corporate office were here, and will be here again next week. Everyone is hopping with last minute preparations and yep... I'm glad I'm 'just' holding down the fort. The good news is that my boss was very kind and let me leave early yesterday. The not so good... I was sick so couldn't truly enjoy the free time. I came home and fell into bed as soon as I could swallow an Alka Seltzer Cold. Yuck! I just hate being sick. Luckily it's not something I have to worry with but twice a year, maybe. I'd love to be out on my bike zooming this weekend, but my head is too stuffed up and I don't like driving on two wheels when I'm not fully clear minded.

On a not so professional front friends are finding mates and building new relationships. I am so happy for them, because they both have been searching. Times like these, though, I have to continually remind myself to focus on what needs to be accomplished before my heart begins it's silent whining. The very last thing I need in my life right now is someone new looking to have 'his' needs met. Remind me to stay focused... okay?

Doctor says they have no idea why my hands (and sometimes my feet) experience these little red, raised, welts. They have run labs but have come up with nothing. I've just decided this a.m. to detox my blood and start an Organic regime. I am even going to cut out caffeine (after this bag of beans has been depleted.) I won't waste great beans for the idea because the last time I did something like this I wound up turning back. Nope, my passing fancies aren't worth wasting good beans.

I've dropped five pounds, but consider that nothing really as I haven't really been focused on dieting. I have a ton of excuses, but the one that stands out most this week is I'm working 11 and 12 hour days through the negotiations, and add the two and a half hours I put into school work every evening... I'm just exausted and the last thing I can think of is being a gerbil (walking the treadmill as they run their wire wheels.) It's okay... don't worry AND don't say, "See... I knew you weren't serious." Pfft! Just don't... My plan is still in tact, and I will jump right back onto my jerbil wheel in a couple weeks.

I bought stuff to decorate the cork boards at work and it hit me that it was the season to begin preparing for dormancy. Summer slipped me right on by this year. Work sucks. lol

I'm off to have my hair colored and cut. I'm going back to my natural chestnut coloring, and this style. I am not ready for short hair... I'll go short when I get old - I'm not there yet. The first style is how it will look when I am working, the second, how I'll fab it up if I'm ever invited to go somewhere. As if... oh, wait... "As if" will be tomorrow's entry.

Okay kiddies, I'm off to keep my appointment. I pray Hair Master Mark doesn't mind my stuffy head and puffy eyes.

The Week in Retro . . .

I woke up at 02:00 this morning, but at 05:25 I still feel well enough to write a bit.

My work week began on Tuesday as I took Monday off to run a few errands. Monday evening I received a call from a coworker and she explained that my boss had experienced a crazy morning in the office and her lack of ability to work that office on her own caught the attention of one of her bosses. My coworker shared that my boss told her boss that I had taken the day off without permission and without calling to let her know I would not be in the office.

This is not the first time she has offered me up in sacrifice to the Administrators to save her own face. Yet, Tuesday morning she arrived and explained something entirely different. This is how my week began. I cannot wait until the job market opens back up. I love the staff and the administrators and even the corporate folks I have met, and see there so much promise for me there... but I can't swing this much longer. I miss leaving work feeling accomplished, needed, and most of all appreciated.

So, after all that I feel as though I am truly chained to the office and do not have the ability to take the paid time off that I have earned twice over. We are in the middle of labor union negotiations and a Joint Commission inspection along with the implementation of our online classroom to our new HRIS system. Okay, I'm beginning to feel the results of waking up at 2am.

School went well this week after turning in our class paper for grading. We received a perfect score!

Our corporate attorney, after hearing me work with people coming into the office one afternoon, took advantage of a quiet moment in the office to ask me if I had ever considered law as a profession. I was quite flattered and still am, but I it will have taken me 10 years to achieve my Bachelor's, if I were to spend another ten in Law School I would be 55... An attorney just starting up practice at 55 doesn't sound prosperous. Maybe I will consider Law in my second life. :)

As far as my diet and rediscovery. I have discovered quite a few things this week, but I have been focused more on comforting my wounds and keeping my sanity. I haven't lost any weight. I know I will be dragging by this afternoon as well, so do not plan on making any strides to make it to the gym. Tomorrow maybe... I am anticipating my annual doctor's appointment on Monday. I try not to dread it, but I can't help but be anxious. After having my head cut open I am always in wonder of every ailment.

Speaking of ailments. My hands are suffering from a weird rash that has no risen twice. The first time around they were tiny and the size of a ball on a pen. This time they are anywhere from the size of a dime to a quarter in diameter. It's kind of odd and even have couple of welts on the palms of my hands and the sides of my feet. I wonder if it has anything to do with taking a steroid for my Asthma? Hmmmmmm

Too bad it isn't Saturday; I could go for a nap. :)

Day 5, only 360 to go....

I have finally slept for three full nights now. I feel more in charge of life again, however, work is still stressful, and school still gnaws at my anxiety trip needle. It has been so nice here at home since the neighbors have cooled their jets. They suffered an 'accidental' shooting of one of their tribe. I know... I live in such an inspiring 'hood. I often sit and consider my surroundings and ask myself, "How did I get here from there?" My raising was soooo far from the likes of this place and these people. I keep wondering what I was supposed to take from the experience of living in such a place. I will discuss that on another philosophical post on a day when I'm feeling it... today I have too much on my plate and that tends to keep me in the hear and now.

So the nights are quieter and cooler and that makes it easier to be at home and for it to feel remotely my solace, if this place can be considered such a place. I noticed the start of the week school doesn't keep my attention any longer, and that's a bad sign in itself. I 'love' school. I love learning so much I crave education and will probably be a life long formal education junkie of some kind. University of Phoenix, however, is not the best school for me. Before I knock the 'team' learning environment let me explain that I am a team player, but with all the other facets of my life being off kilter at this moment, adding the pressure of pulling people through their education so I am able to obtain a decent grade is just too much. I've narrowed my choices of transfer down to two... Kaplan and Capella. Kaplan is about 100.00 more per class, but they include books into the cost. I will be sent text books every single term!!! Instead of the five week course system I'll be on ten which will give me an extended amount of time to study and read. I'll have two courses at a time, but will complete them in the same amount of time as with UoP so I shouldn't prolong my graduation much at all. It will be worth it in the long run.

Little by little I 'am' taking my life back, and will bounce back from this deadly concoction of stress, nerves, hormonal imbalance, caustic environments and too many dreams trying to come true at one time. :)

This week I am the team leader in my class at UoP so I'm a bit under the gun. I will be of much better mind after I turn in all my assignments tonight and can start the week off more relaxed and with a feeling of accomplishment. I haven't lost one ounce of weight since Wednesday, but that's okay too. It usually takes my mind a little time to get a few things in my life straight before I can clearly focus on a new task. I am working on a new place to live and that will eliminate the stress of worrying when a bullet will penetrate the walls of our kingdom (ha), no amount of savings on rent is worth this stress. Besides, this place is toxic in other ways and just isn't good for us. I worked very late Friday night to finally bring my desk current, or near to. This little extra time will enable me to work a regular work day 'with breaks and a lunch'. I hope for better leadership and a change in my direct working environment soon. I miss having fun doing my work; I want that back.

All these things will take just a bit of time to work out, but after I have change set in motion, nothing stops me. I'm like a dog with a bone.

I picked up a few books at Costco yesterday. One was the third book from Jillian Michael's; a.k.a. the woman you love to hate if you are a fatty. lol I like her. Her first book is what pumped my spirit and internal drive to lose the weight last year and had me walking into a public gym for the first time in my life. The second book was for folks who couldn't lose that last fifteen pounds. It was a die-hard regimine that pounded the body into shape and was a little much for me. The book isn't me for two reasons; I never made it to 'the last fifteen pounds', and no part of my personal journey has included being a gym bunny. I hate it. I will never enjoy working out enough to spend 8-15 hours in the gym per week. Thirty to forty-five minutes 3 or 4 times a week is about all anyone is ever going to get from me. I know I'm going to like her third book because it is all about hormones and how they are our metabolism. I didn't have to read beyond the second page to know this book was a good one. I'll write a review and thoughts about the read in my reading blog.

According to the calendar I have 358 days to go. Today I have the energy to face these small challenges that will eventually lead to simplification of my life. I am very excited and looking forward to the change because I am tired of feeling my heart working harder even when I'm lying still. I'm tired of rising from my desk and feeling like an old lady because my joints are stiff and aching. I'm tired of waking up tired and dreading the day. I'm tired of looking at me and not recognizing the person in the reflection.

I am looking forward to taking my life back and living the life I know I'm meant to live!!!!

Day 2

02:11 - 8/20/09

The police just left. Once again just after the hour of 01:00 the neighborhood banshee unleashed her terror upon the world... my world... Once again I lie awake, waiting for the next ride to dream land. I am so tired. I did not fall asleep at work yesterday, but that only because I am so busy I don't have time to fall asleep. I almost had to pull off to the side of the interstate on the way home because I'm so sleep depraived that my stomach is nautious. This is part of my issue with the state my physical life has become. Living on exhaustion because I can't get one night's sleep is killing me.

They actually picked her up and took her in this time; thank the Goddess! Every night she gets drunk (and stoned on some kind of drug.) Once she has had her fill she begins screaming and fighting with anyone and everyone, even people that aren't there. Tonight she involved her poor children who were sleeping soundly inside. That's where my social acceptance of such behavior ends. I cannot abide child neglect or abuse of any kind. The entire lot of them live on welfare and it is beyond my intelligence as to how they all smoke, drink themselves silly, and stay stoned on drugs 24/7.

Living in this miserable place has given me a close up view of how our social networks, designed to help the poor and indigent survive, have become a complicated web of misuse and abuse. It literally tears me up inside to see grown adults, who have learned how to bilk the system, rob our communities of resources that could be put to use doing any number of things to build a better future for its inhabitants.

Just want to get sleepy again.

18:50

Today was not one of my best days. I guess three nights of less than four hours sleep has taken its toll. I fell off the wagon and ate comfort food. I don't feel too guilty because I have been down this road before. I will just keep looking forward and hope for better times next week.

Day #1... only 364 to go.

The day began at 01:30 when our neighbor's extra loud mouth piped up through a gabbing session just outside my bedroom window. I tossed and turned, and finally made myself get up, then went back to bed and rolled around some more before giving in around 05:00 when I just got up and went on into work.

Needless to say I did not make it to the gym tonight. I am so exhausted it feels more like I am numb. I am going to keep this message short and to the point so I am able to take out the toothpicks that are holding my eyes open.

My boss and the corporate attorney were out of the office all day today for union negotiations which left me in the office by myself. It would have been perfect had it been a quiet day, but do you think the Fates are going to allow tranquility? Actually it made the day pass faster. By the end of the day the only thing I needed to focus on was making it home over a 23 mile trip home without falling asleep. I made it to Courtney's work where I pulled my Harley hoodie over my head and crashed.

I didn't make it beyond Starbuck's, but did not figure anyone would punish me for caffeine today of all days. I was good and left the bacon sandwich and/or Greek yogurt with them. I spot checked a tiny little tray of one boiled egg, three wedges of apple, and a couple other things. I can't believe what people will dish out five bucks on these days. It was basically a boiled egg and a third of an apple. Not this frugal gal.

The rest of my day was boring, but held no great challenge for me.

It was 89 degrees Fah. this afternoon, and felt like silk on my skin; neither too hot or too cold.

I ate a couple slices of turkey and a piece of cheese for lunch, oh and a few pieces of broccoli and carrots snagged from the salad bar.

I'll close for now and hope for a better day tomorrow. I am considering riding the bike in to work tomorrow. That always cheers me up.

Full Disclosure . . .

Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. Today... is the last day I will suffer this misery. My girlfriend rang me up and told me to get my bum over to her department by 4 pm today, because we were going to disclose. Curious...

She has watched me as I tread through the muck of work, class, and no life, while slipping backwards into the land of fatties. I whined all through the winter months of rain, rain, and more rain, then become dormant when the sun finally came through. I lost so much weight last summer and had so much hope that I would finally break through the curse, but alas, I failed again. I have been here so many times I cannot even feel the disappointment and disgust anymore, which makes it worse. I dropped down to a loose size 18 and came so close to breaking through 220, but after the start of the year I began the final stretch of my collegial trek (only a year to go) and lost all interest in going to the gym. (I had been going five days a week after work.) My work exhausts me, and traveled for business for a month this summer, so my leftover time for keeping fit plummeted. Add to that my dour energy level and lack of time made it easier to slip into bad eating habits once again. No matter how you look at it no exercise and bad eating habits equals FAT!

My weight has climbed higher than it ever has before, not by far, but definitely highest. Last spring I reached 265, but today I weighed in at 270 pounds of absolute and utter grotesque. What was I thinking? I tell you what I have been thinking... "I'll start back to the gym next week, no lie. I promise." "I won't drink Starbuck's more than once this week. I promise." "No, no, no... No, I promise, no Jamba Juice on the way home to 'cool down'." "I just washed my pants on the wrong temperature setting. They will be okay after I wear them a little while."

I have been so lost in space this year. I know I don't have much of a life at the moment, and so many friends think it's because I'm rebounding from love gone wrong, but it is mostly because I have let myself go to pot. I began this journal the first of the year in hopes that I would find the old me that I adored. I have signed on so many times and begin writing but wind up saving it to drafts. There just isn't anything in me anymore. Well, that's not true at all. The gorgeous, loveable, spiritual goddess is inside me I have just buried her in YUCK! No more...

Tomorrow marks Day #1 of the rest of my life. Tonight I am spending in reflective mode for the last few moments before I set my sights forward. Tonight I kiss the sorrows I have encountered over the last year to the wind.

Tomorrow... I begin 365 days of renewal. 365 days of hard work, digging deep, tireless focus, self loving, forward thinking, joyous unveiling. I want to find meeeeeeeee!!!!