K.I.S.S.

(Dawn of a new year)

This being my first post of the new year I will recap last year in as few sentences as possible. It was meant to be the powerful year of recapturing my personal power and energy as I left Dan the tail end of 2008. While the year wasn't all it was meant to be, it was a great start. I spent much of the year working hard on a project that would introduce new software to the hospital during which I spent the summer traveling between home and our home office in Franklin, Tennessee. Those trips afforded me an opportunity to drop down and see my folks this year; which was a fantastic treat. This year also presented an opportunity for me to move us (C and me) to a real home that seems to give us both a great sense of peaceful/spiritual joy. We lived in a dump (where Dan had us living) for near four years and it was so nice getting back to our own standards. I started school the start of the year and while it was tough I made it work for eight months until my workload pushed me into near collapse; I had to drop a class mid class and that messed up my financial aid. :( Now I'm trying to right the mess, but am still not in school. It still boggles my mind as to why I can't just tag it onto my tab and continue going since it is I who will eventually pay back the loan, but, evidently it doesn't work that way. ~sigh~

The year 2009 provided me an opportunity to meet a new and curious friend. She's one of those people of like heart/spirit/mind that I've always said are connected by a golden thread. I am dedicating the philosophy for this year to her because she is the one who is reteaching me that keeping things simple allows our spiritual aura and our personal chi to keep flowing in healthy fashion. The philosophy is K.I.S.S.... Keep It Simple Stupid.

So, here we are at the dawn of a brand new year, and a brand new chance to make more progress as far as getting back down to the business of spiritual free living. When I left home in 1999 I began the process of moving toward simple living. Simple living isn't just something that can be accomplished physically, but can also be achieved mentally and spiritually. I realized when we moved in November that I drifted far from my philo of keeping it simple. lol This year I am bound to clear out that which makes my life complicated materially. Mentally I am bound to need some help because of school and work responsibilities and new cost of living changes, etc. I have my challenges for this year... my spiritual freedom will be difficult to achieve with so many other obstacles (worries) blocking me at every turn. I have to relearn how to Keep Things Simple so I am able to enjoy the simple pleasures such as standing by a window and being able to see the sun rise while sipping the first cup of hot coffee.

My new friend spoke words this week that gave me tremendous pause. What if the time of life to enjoy simpleness is gone with my innocense? In so many ways hope is tied to our innocense. As I have grown older and seen the ways of the world it becomes more difficult to live simply. I am bound to find they key.

Something old, something new . . .

Those words evoke memories of weddings and preparations, but this morning they are all about Christmas. I adore spending the quiet moments of weekend mornings sipping my favorite brew and becoming one with the twinkle of holiday lights, colors, and absolute silence - other than my rambling thoughts.

This is the first year since 2005 I have seen my Christmas tree, along with all my other holiday decorations, so it has been extra special spending time gazing at the memories that hang from every branch. My tree is so full of treasures that I have collected over the years, and recalling the happenstance of their origin simply delights me. My tree is, and will likely always be, a combination of old and new, handmade and store bought; but, I love it. (I collect snowmens and eclectic Christmas decorations from the past.) In the early days of Courtney's childhood we didn't have a lot of money to spend on big expensive decorations, but I didn't care. As a new mom I was anxious to start filling our new tree with lots of holiday traditions to match the masterful creation of my mom. From each branch of her tree hung memories of my childhood and from her life. Now I see the beaded/lace ornaments Courtney, her dad, and I made when she was in nursery school and smile a tearful, joyful smile. Some of them are elementary and are simply beads on pipe cleaners without shape or any resemblance to familiar Christmas shapes, but that is just fine by me as they might as well have been sold at Tiffany's to me.

Christmas Traditions . . . We tried to have the Christmas tree up on the evening of Thanksgiving as it was a tradition from my childhood that we have missed out on for so many years. I think we all loved the holidays so much and enjoyed the warmth the Christmas tree lights infused throughout our home that we put it up as soon as possible so as to enjoy it the longest amount of time possible, without seeming a bit on the obsessive side. lol Though we didn't quite have our tree up the eve of Thanksgiving I did put it up that weekend. I conjured a tasty batch of nog (hehehe I get the adult variety now), turned on some Christmas musie, and drug every single box up from the basement all by myself. It was such a fun night of sometimes silliness and sometimes tearful happiness as I pulled my special gems from their nest of tissue paper (remember I haven't seen them in almost five years.)

My baby girl is grown now and Christmas has changed. We used to make decorations together each year to add to our collection or shop for just the right addition. I sometimes become saddened by the passing of this tradition we shared, but realize it is a seed that I planted almost two decades ago that will grow and reseed itself in the years to come. Our tradition will renew itself and continue on in her own family just as it did with mine. I love Christmas.

I will add some pictures of my special ornaments to share them later when I have time to figure out the settings on my new camera to accommodate the lighting.

Awakening

Have you ever experienced a moment of widened clarity where everything around you becomes so acutely crystal clear you can't help take notice?

That is how my everyday used to be. Everywhere I turned I saw things with vivid crisp edge; the hues and volume of color amazed me. I've learned that when I live life in such a way that does not open me to natural power recharging sources that clarity wanes and all but disappears.

For just a moment, standing in the hospital parking lot I saw the color on the trees. When I arrive to work this time of year it is still dark. So I saw the tree through the light of the lamp lights in the parking lot. The trees were so vividly clear I could see the edges of each leaf, the cuts and shadows of the bark. I stopped and just stared at one tree in particular as if it were speaking to me; maybe it was. (I'm thankful traffic made the street too busy to cross, otherwise, I would have looked pretty strange standing in the street looking at a tree.)

It sounds strange, I know, but my thoughts drew back to that brief moment where I silently conversated with a tree. I was a bit anxious as I crossed the street, because I have heard our faculties become much clearer just before we pass into the next realm. lol

I hope it is a sign that I am on my way back to being a fully charged ball of bright light. Home life is coming together, now I just have to work on work life.

And Life Rolls On . . .

Changes . . .
in season are not the only changes happening in our world. C and I are finally turning the last page on the latest chapter in our so called life. We are moving to a little house in a community that lies not far from my work, in a town that will offer us a safe place to reconnect with how life should be lived.

Living in such a bad area for going on five years has opened our eyes to so many of life's circumstances; some good, some not so good. No matter the circumstances and experiences of the last five years we are willing, able and ready to move beyond the life we endured here.

Reflective
Looking back I can’t help but wonder, briefly, where our paths would have lead us by now had I followed a different path. Would I have already moved to Spokane to be with my closest friends by now? Would I have moved back home and reconnected with a lifestyle I left for a reason? I might have found a jumping off place for career a lot sooner and I might have been finished with school by now. I may have met someone who genuinely loves me for me and adore them in return.

Life is a wonderful journey, and I don’t write about what if’s often, because I don’t live them; I never have. ‘What if’ ponderings for me are brief flecks of reflection that I choose to flick away in short order and they dissipate into the universe where they belong. I don’t even ask myself would I have done anything differently, because I am a realist and the facts are that I chose the turns and paths that brought me to this time and place.

Reality
Every decision made brought me to this special place called the here and now. I am a little over a week away from moving into a fabulous home in a great neighborhood of people, some I already know, and a whole lot of people I don’t. I will be able to walk through my neighborhood in the evenings and be safe. I won’t have to blind my windows from the outside world because the neighbors all watch and take care of each other. It will take time, no doubt, to trust in a safe environment again. I was concerned about the kitchen door having a plate glass window without a deadbolt (still am really) and the lady who rented the place to me laughed and explained that she could understand how I would be so concerned coming from the neighborhood I am. She said I am moving into a neighborhood where no crime exists. I agree the place I am moving is different, but I will never see the world through the same lenses she does, no matter how long I live in a ‘safe’ neighborhood; the days of unlocked doors, and unprotected dwellings are long gone as far as I believe, and that’s okay.

I can ride my bicycle to work on good weather days and hop the bus for a quick trip on the bad. Heck, once I drop some of the pounds and build my leg muscles up again I will be able to walk to work if I choose. I can begin living green and reconnecting with Mother Earth and Father Sun.
I dream of cozy winter evenings with nice music playing, candles twinkling, glass… or two of a nice warming wine, studying, reading, scrapbooking, cooking fabulous impromptu dinners for friends, taking long soaking baths in my great big old fashioned tub, beautiful winter mornings curled up on my new sofa by the window with a hot cup of coffee watching the birds flitter and vie for the new seed I put out for them. Summers will be filled with banks filled with lavender, emerald green grass, and the wonderful PNW cross breeze through the house. I can garden again if I want, and have a real kitchen to cook and store food. I will have backyard bbq’s and swing in my yard swing, or walk into the wonderful eclectic little town and enjoy waterfront walks or shopping n some of my favorite shops. I will know people again and they will know me. J

Nervous
I have not taken on the responsibility for full rent/full utilities since I owned my own home in Georgia. Have I made note of all my expenses, or did I miss one that will pop out of the dark at an inopportune moment and present a financial challenge that will deplete the joy I nurture in my life? Am I counting on this house too much? Will my anxious anticipation burn the house down before I can get there? Will the owner call me up and crush my dreams?

Hopeful
I can recapture and reconnect with the best part of life, and me.

Excited
Only nine more days to go before life begins again.

Just Me . . .

The finished product... Not the greatest of pictures, but

it shows the do, and the bloodshot eyes. lol

Thank the Goddess It's Saturday

It's a gorgeous day today - probably the last of the season. It is supposed to reach 87 degrees today.

This week was packed full of all sorts of items to note. I began a new class which is totally me; Critical Thinking in Management - Love It! I have a great question: What is Thinking? Try to define that one.... lol What a great mystery, aye?

My work week was one of those where I just sat hung on and experienced the ride. Union negotiations are terribly stressful for all involved, and I'm glad I'm just holding down the fort, for now. The big whigs from our corporate office were here, and will be here again next week. Everyone is hopping with last minute preparations and yep... I'm glad I'm 'just' holding down the fort. The good news is that my boss was very kind and let me leave early yesterday. The not so good... I was sick so couldn't truly enjoy the free time. I came home and fell into bed as soon as I could swallow an Alka Seltzer Cold. Yuck! I just hate being sick. Luckily it's not something I have to worry with but twice a year, maybe. I'd love to be out on my bike zooming this weekend, but my head is too stuffed up and I don't like driving on two wheels when I'm not fully clear minded.

On a not so professional front friends are finding mates and building new relationships. I am so happy for them, because they both have been searching. Times like these, though, I have to continually remind myself to focus on what needs to be accomplished before my heart begins it's silent whining. The very last thing I need in my life right now is someone new looking to have 'his' needs met. Remind me to stay focused... okay?

Doctor says they have no idea why my hands (and sometimes my feet) experience these little red, raised, welts. They have run labs but have come up with nothing. I've just decided this a.m. to detox my blood and start an Organic regime. I am even going to cut out caffeine (after this bag of beans has been depleted.) I won't waste great beans for the idea because the last time I did something like this I wound up turning back. Nope, my passing fancies aren't worth wasting good beans.

I've dropped five pounds, but consider that nothing really as I haven't really been focused on dieting. I have a ton of excuses, but the one that stands out most this week is I'm working 11 and 12 hour days through the negotiations, and add the two and a half hours I put into school work every evening... I'm just exausted and the last thing I can think of is being a gerbil (walking the treadmill as they run their wire wheels.) It's okay... don't worry AND don't say, "See... I knew you weren't serious." Pfft! Just don't... My plan is still in tact, and I will jump right back onto my jerbil wheel in a couple weeks.

I bought stuff to decorate the cork boards at work and it hit me that it was the season to begin preparing for dormancy. Summer slipped me right on by this year. Work sucks. lol

I'm off to have my hair colored and cut. I'm going back to my natural chestnut coloring, and this style. I am not ready for short hair... I'll go short when I get old - I'm not there yet. The first style is how it will look when I am working, the second, how I'll fab it up if I'm ever invited to go somewhere. As if... oh, wait... "As if" will be tomorrow's entry.

Okay kiddies, I'm off to keep my appointment. I pray Hair Master Mark doesn't mind my stuffy head and puffy eyes.

The Week in Retro . . .

I woke up at 02:00 this morning, but at 05:25 I still feel well enough to write a bit.

My work week began on Tuesday as I took Monday off to run a few errands. Monday evening I received a call from a coworker and she explained that my boss had experienced a crazy morning in the office and her lack of ability to work that office on her own caught the attention of one of her bosses. My coworker shared that my boss told her boss that I had taken the day off without permission and without calling to let her know I would not be in the office.

This is not the first time she has offered me up in sacrifice to the Administrators to save her own face. Yet, Tuesday morning she arrived and explained something entirely different. This is how my week began. I cannot wait until the job market opens back up. I love the staff and the administrators and even the corporate folks I have met, and see there so much promise for me there... but I can't swing this much longer. I miss leaving work feeling accomplished, needed, and most of all appreciated.

So, after all that I feel as though I am truly chained to the office and do not have the ability to take the paid time off that I have earned twice over. We are in the middle of labor union negotiations and a Joint Commission inspection along with the implementation of our online classroom to our new HRIS system. Okay, I'm beginning to feel the results of waking up at 2am.

School went well this week after turning in our class paper for grading. We received a perfect score!

Our corporate attorney, after hearing me work with people coming into the office one afternoon, took advantage of a quiet moment in the office to ask me if I had ever considered law as a profession. I was quite flattered and still am, but I it will have taken me 10 years to achieve my Bachelor's, if I were to spend another ten in Law School I would be 55... An attorney just starting up practice at 55 doesn't sound prosperous. Maybe I will consider Law in my second life. :)

As far as my diet and rediscovery. I have discovered quite a few things this week, but I have been focused more on comforting my wounds and keeping my sanity. I haven't lost any weight. I know I will be dragging by this afternoon as well, so do not plan on making any strides to make it to the gym. Tomorrow maybe... I am anticipating my annual doctor's appointment on Monday. I try not to dread it, but I can't help but be anxious. After having my head cut open I am always in wonder of every ailment.

Speaking of ailments. My hands are suffering from a weird rash that has no risen twice. The first time around they were tiny and the size of a ball on a pen. This time they are anywhere from the size of a dime to a quarter in diameter. It's kind of odd and even have couple of welts on the palms of my hands and the sides of my feet. I wonder if it has anything to do with taking a steroid for my Asthma? Hmmmmmm

Too bad it isn't Saturday; I could go for a nap. :)