Courtney and I had dinner together tonight. On the way out she saw a couple of my scarves in the floor of my car and made a smirky remark about one of them being hers. I told her they were not hers and she responded in a tone and with a look that I wish I didn't know. I wasn't going to argue with her, especially since in gutted me clear to my toes that she spoke to me as she did; self-righteous and arrogant with raised eyebrows and all.
I just came in and went straight to the shower... then tossed the scarves in the sink for a quick soak then hung them to dry. I'll give them to her tomorrow as I couldn't bear to wear them anymore.
Did you know you shouldn't trust just anyone with person info? Well, on my way home from work yesterday I called my pops to say hello, as I often do on the way home. We were just chatting and I told him of a new game my friend and I were playing 'against' another team with the goal of losing weight and changing our lives to healthy ones. In the conversatoin I mentioned that I weighed more than I have... he said nothing out of the ordinary, but the very next morning he decided that he was no longer going to come here on holiday, but would rather have Courtney come out and visit...Oh of course I am invited later on in the year... 'after' I have had a chance to lose the weight. He has never accepted that I'm not the daughter he wishes I were. :(
On the way home from the restaurant I imagined being in a horrid accident. It was one of those life and death accidents where I was hanging by a thread. I've imagined them before and have always dreamed or felt as though I would fight the white light to hang around tonight, though. Tonight the overwhelming feeling of lying back and letting go came over me so quickly and so thick that I could truly put myself in the fantasy. It was easy to just let go and drift away. It was almost peaceful.
I've always thought I was either part cat or still hadn't learned the lesson(s) I was meant to learn this round so would never die; especially early. It is kind of scary to not fear death though... I'm just tired. I'm tired of pretending life is fair and good and keeping a stiff upper lip and a positive attitude and turning the other cheek. I don't really think of me as being negative just accepting. I don't hate anyone, or harbor much ill will toward anyone (almost there though.) I just believe a whole lot less than I have all my life. I'm tired of hoping.
I surrender... I aquiesce... It is... merely, what it is.
I just came in and went straight to the shower... then tossed the scarves in the sink for a quick soak then hung them to dry. I'll give them to her tomorrow as I couldn't bear to wear them anymore.
Did you know you shouldn't trust just anyone with person info? Well, on my way home from work yesterday I called my pops to say hello, as I often do on the way home. We were just chatting and I told him of a new game my friend and I were playing 'against' another team with the goal of losing weight and changing our lives to healthy ones. In the conversatoin I mentioned that I weighed more than I have... he said nothing out of the ordinary, but the very next morning he decided that he was no longer going to come here on holiday, but would rather have Courtney come out and visit...Oh of course I am invited later on in the year... 'after' I have had a chance to lose the weight. He has never accepted that I'm not the daughter he wishes I were. :(
On the way home from the restaurant I imagined being in a horrid accident. It was one of those life and death accidents where I was hanging by a thread. I've imagined them before and have always dreamed or felt as though I would fight the white light to hang around tonight, though. Tonight the overwhelming feeling of lying back and letting go came over me so quickly and so thick that I could truly put myself in the fantasy. It was easy to just let go and drift away. It was almost peaceful.
I've always thought I was either part cat or still hadn't learned the lesson(s) I was meant to learn this round so would never die; especially early. It is kind of scary to not fear death though... I'm just tired. I'm tired of pretending life is fair and good and keeping a stiff upper lip and a positive attitude and turning the other cheek. I don't really think of me as being negative just accepting. I don't hate anyone, or harbor much ill will toward anyone (almost there though.) I just believe a whole lot less than I have all my life. I'm tired of hoping.
I surrender... I aquiesce... It is... merely, what it is.
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