It feels as though I am defending my single status, again. It makes me chuckle sometimes because it is something so personal it leaves me feeling as though I am defending a sacred state of being. It is not all that sacred it is just me... being. I have been notified by a concerned friend that it has been long enough since my last relationship and I should consider diving in to begin 'the process'. I know she meant well, but... Whatever! ~chuckle~
Her comments stayed with me most the weekend while I plunged my shovel deep into the earth and while I pulled old roots out with all my might. It was great! I spent a goodly amount of time sleuthing through, around, and over my heart, mind, soul and spirit about this business of being single. I have turned up nothing decidedly different in that my marital status is not something I have chosen, but more accept as is. What is the big deal? Why does it trouble so many when a person is okay with walking the path, at peace, and alone. What is wrong with flying solo from time to time - or forever, if that is what feels right? It left me wondering if I appear unhappy or discontent.
I do not feel lonely or spiritless. This broken and lonely girl (not) is delighted, at the moment. I can come and go, and do all the things I want, or do not want. If after a long grueling day at the office I do not want to extend my day, by four hours, cooking and cleaning and washing (among 'other' things) I do not have to. :) I can put my comfies on, and make me a drink of something yummy and sit back with my feet up without a care in the world. I can wake up on Saturday morning and feel like writing (one of my life's passions) and just do it... all weekend if I want, and in my pajamas and no make up to boot! I spend my time reading good books, gardening, taking long luxurious walks with my camera, experimenting with new recipes without patting feet awaiting my arrival to the dinner table. Sure, I do not have sex, but when I weigh all the things I do have with the things I do not have I come out on top.
Honestly, being in a relationship just does not work well for me as I always lose me in the 'process'. It takes too much effort to try and keep a piece of me, because it is all about them; ya know? Relax, I am not saying that the men I have chosen are all self-centered (they are, but I am not using that as a scapegoat), but I am saying that when I am paired with someone they become my focus, because I was cursed at birth with this insane need to please. The double edged sword is that I also need to be appreciated. The flaw is within me, not them. It is rare to find another who makes giving a good part of life; I usually find the takers. So, think about it, pairing a giver with a taker can only spell disaster, because the taker takes until the giver runs out of stuff to give. Being in a relationship is just too much work for too little pay off. I am happy right now, so... whatever! (grin)
Okay, so she continues to argue with me (the friend) and tells me that I just have not found the 'right' man and that someday I will cross paths with the one that will allow me to co-exist in a healthy fashion and who will allow me to keep me. I said it is not their fault, but mine. I am the one that loses me in them. It is my issue, not theirs. I am responsible for keeping me intact, and I just do not do that very well when in a relationship. Whatever... (a come on over to my side smile)
Another friend asked me to consider the health of having 'friends' of the opposite sex as they add perspective to life. Well, I could not argue with her on that one, they sure do add a different perspective. (L) I have a healthy family of male perspectives if I need them. My last ex pointed out to me a while back that men are never 'just' friends with women; they always have some other motive(s). Uh huh. (wise smile)When recollecting past relationships I tend to agree with his point, especially after recently learning that the one guy I considered one of my closest and dearest friends actually had a thing for me. I never knew... :(
What do we seek out other perspectives for anyway? Validation? Understanding? Why ask for their opinion (perspective) when it does not really matter in my grand scheme? Everyone who knows me knows I dance to my own music and live life according to no one else's expectations; green shoes and all! Please don't take me wrong; I do enjoy intellectual discourse and discerning other's opinions is a fun hobby, but it is more of a discovery and compare mission than for validation.
So... Why should I start the process again? Huh? Ah, whatever! (griggling)
Her comments stayed with me most the weekend while I plunged my shovel deep into the earth and while I pulled old roots out with all my might. It was great! I spent a goodly amount of time sleuthing through, around, and over my heart, mind, soul and spirit about this business of being single. I have turned up nothing decidedly different in that my marital status is not something I have chosen, but more accept as is. What is the big deal? Why does it trouble so many when a person is okay with walking the path, at peace, and alone. What is wrong with flying solo from time to time - or forever, if that is what feels right? It left me wondering if I appear unhappy or discontent.
I do not feel lonely or spiritless. This broken and lonely girl (not) is delighted, at the moment. I can come and go, and do all the things I want, or do not want. If after a long grueling day at the office I do not want to extend my day, by four hours, cooking and cleaning and washing (among 'other' things) I do not have to. :) I can put my comfies on, and make me a drink of something yummy and sit back with my feet up without a care in the world. I can wake up on Saturday morning and feel like writing (one of my life's passions) and just do it... all weekend if I want, and in my pajamas and no make up to boot! I spend my time reading good books, gardening, taking long luxurious walks with my camera, experimenting with new recipes without patting feet awaiting my arrival to the dinner table. Sure, I do not have sex, but when I weigh all the things I do have with the things I do not have I come out on top.
Honestly, being in a relationship just does not work well for me as I always lose me in the 'process'. It takes too much effort to try and keep a piece of me, because it is all about them; ya know? Relax, I am not saying that the men I have chosen are all self-centered (they are, but I am not using that as a scapegoat), but I am saying that when I am paired with someone they become my focus, because I was cursed at birth with this insane need to please. The double edged sword is that I also need to be appreciated. The flaw is within me, not them. It is rare to find another who makes giving a good part of life; I usually find the takers. So, think about it, pairing a giver with a taker can only spell disaster, because the taker takes until the giver runs out of stuff to give. Being in a relationship is just too much work for too little pay off. I am happy right now, so... whatever! (grin)
Okay, so she continues to argue with me (the friend) and tells me that I just have not found the 'right' man and that someday I will cross paths with the one that will allow me to co-exist in a healthy fashion and who will allow me to keep me. I said it is not their fault, but mine. I am the one that loses me in them. It is my issue, not theirs. I am responsible for keeping me intact, and I just do not do that very well when in a relationship. Whatever... (a come on over to my side smile)
Another friend asked me to consider the health of having 'friends' of the opposite sex as they add perspective to life. Well, I could not argue with her on that one, they sure do add a different perspective. (L) I have a healthy family of male perspectives if I need them. My last ex pointed out to me a while back that men are never 'just' friends with women; they always have some other motive(s). Uh huh. (wise smile)When recollecting past relationships I tend to agree with his point, especially after recently learning that the one guy I considered one of my closest and dearest friends actually had a thing for me. I never knew... :(
What do we seek out other perspectives for anyway? Validation? Understanding? Why ask for their opinion (perspective) when it does not really matter in my grand scheme? Everyone who knows me knows I dance to my own music and live life according to no one else's expectations; green shoes and all! Please don't take me wrong; I do enjoy intellectual discourse and discerning other's opinions is a fun hobby, but it is more of a discovery and compare mission than for validation.
So... Why should I start the process again? Huh? Ah, whatever! (griggling)
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